They say to write like no one is reading — so today, I’ll be spilling the tea on my most chaotic moments.
Exposé #1
When I was in pre-K, I stole a toy from a classmate.
“Whose is this?” The teacher had yelled out after recess. “Who left their Beanie Baby behind?”
“That’s mine!” Some girl pipes up. “I brought it for show and tell!”
“No — it’s mine!” I lie.
An argument ensues, and the teacher takes my side. I still feel guilty about that one.
Exposé #2
I once super-glued my hands together while in art class.
I was thirteen at the time, and surprisingly, the other kids let me off the hook. But my nanny was livid.
“She’s always doing stupid shit!” My nanny seethes to my psychiatrist after class gets out. “Last week she colored her whole body with whiteboard markers — now this!”
“I understand your frustration.” The doctor nods sympathetically. “It’s difficult managing impulsivity disorders.”
This shit-on-Paula-fest bores me. I pray that it ends soon, since my hands are in that position anyway.
Exposé #3
As a teenager, I was obsessed with Alvin and the Chipmunks. If Spotify Wrapped existed when I was sixteen, my top three artists would’ve been Alvin, Simon, and Theodor.
So when a boy offers to take me to the movies, I agree. On the sole condition that we’ll be watching “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel”, and not something else.
To be clear, I had already seen it once — but this time I wanted to sing along.
Exposé #4
Also at sixteen, I scratched a woman’s car while parking. To redeem myself, I offered her up some nail polish too — “touch it up”, since “it wasn’t that bad”.
Exposé #5
In college, I spat vodka out onto a whole room of people. In my defence, it was Absolut.
“For the last time — I don’t need a fucking chaser!”
But that bitch needed a fucking chaser. Oh well.
Godspeed everybody. Have a memorable and embarrassing Wednesday.
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